Date: 2007-03-24 10:41 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I'm moving journals. I'm going to leave this journal undeleted, but I won't be updating it anymore. I just need something new, and I've come to loath this username.

I'd love for you to add me if you're still interested in being friends.

c0mpose

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Date: 2007-03-24 00:23 Subject: playing with fire Security: Public

I spent tonight in lovely company, a friend of mine I get coffee with weekly. Actually, I spent from early this afternoon till early this morning in lovely company. Espresso was untouched as we lost ourselves in conversation albeit the crowd. He shook my shoulders playfully, quite often actually. His fingers remained there, maybe a second too long? My imagination. We ate on the roof of a city building and watched the lights. He paid. We swung on swing sets, talked of evolution and creationism and what it would be like to be a duck. He opened my doors for me.

This is not good, this is dangerous. But God, I'd like to just kiss him. Once.

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Date: 2007-03-18 16:01 Subject: I hate this city Security: Public Listening to: Bright Eyes

I'm back at school. The parking lot was empty still, even though morning classes begin in sixteen hours. I felt like a ragdoll, walking across the lot to my dorm. Legs and arms uncoordinated, carrying a gigantic box. My arms still shake even after I've long since put it down and taken the contents out. My roommate is glad to see me but I can't seen to make myself smile at anything.

Fuck mondays and fuck work and fuck classes and fuck my idealistic 4.0.

I'm pretty sure I'd like to give up on eating entirely but I know that there's no solution in it, I know this. It's just a cycle and I'm going to end up right where I am again. If anyone here has achieved transcendence or happiness or any of those glorious things we attribute to starvation please let me know. Circles, circles. Gain weight lose weight, barely a correlation to what I put in my mouth. Over and over and over and then my heart gives out and that's all.

But I don't have a drive anymore to recover. I only am because I know logically it is the only good solution. I'm fucking tired of all of this and I'm running full speed in every direction, forward backward, I only end up where I started.

5 Musings | Thoughts | + Memories | Tell a Friend | Link

Date: 2007-03-10 20:10 Subject: confession of all sorts of oddities and sins and idiocy Security: Public Location: my fucking bed

Look at me, I'm a fucking idiot. I canceled plans to go out with friends tonight because I'm so miserable and broken up about every little thing- so instead here I am, at 8pm on the first Saturday of spring break, sitting in bed.

"What's wrong hun?" My dad asks, in that half concerned way that was not at all apparent when we were smartassing each other at the dinner table. He knows, I don't know why he bothers to ask. I want to yell to shut the fuck up but I realize that's probably socially inappropriate and a bit uncalled for, so out of my mouth the same words fall once again, "I'm just tired, thanks though."

They are sending me to the doctor on Monday, to investigate my "chronic fatigue". My idea of a good time for sure. Especially because I'm reasonably assured it's only physical because it was initially mental, emotional, concocted from some unfortunate combination of neurochemicals.

( mindless rant about self-harm and purging and starving and overuse of the word fuck and basically everything you would normally cut something for all rolled into one week )

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Date: 2007-03-09 18:18 Subject: my heart hurts Security: Public

Stupid, stupid fucking girl. This day was going so well.

I checked his email, I don't know why. We've had each other's passwords forever but I never really look into his private life unless he wants me to get something for him. But no, today I did. The first thing I see- an amazon marketplace "order shipped" notice for a video game ordered a week ago. Not any video game, the one I've been dying over and obsessively talking to him about for a month.

He bought it for me.

The roses and unopened candy I found left in my room at home are still in the trash can. As soon as I got back for spring break I turned around all the pictures of us, but being home is covered in relics of him.

My heart hurts so much.

I miss him but I keep telling myself it's for the best and I'll get over it.

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Date: 2007-03-05 18:41 Subject: i don't understand why i am so tired Security: Public

I'm standing on a lawn watching people walk past when I realize how far I am from my dorm. Then I wonder how I even got here. Did I walk? Why? What am I doing here? I'm so tired. I lay down and phone my mom. The grass itches but I am so, so tired.

Sometimes I wonder how I get from class to class. All those stairs, my thighs burn (Still sore from two hours of yoga the day before) as I step, one foot in front of another. Did I go to work today? Spend 5 minutes looking for half of a bagel before realizing I must have eaten it.

Fell asleep in more classes today, I have no idea what the lectures were on. Still getting more than 8 hours of sleep a night, still drinking multiple cups of coffee (medicine by now). Vitamins, pill cocktail. Eating to some extent, no appetite, robot food. Nutrients! Vain attempts to slow the decay.

Apathetic- the pessimistic fever has broken but the exhaustion remains. I want more than anything to crawl under the covers and rot.

3 Musings | Thoughts | + Memories | Tell a Friend | Link

Date: 2007-03-02 18:14 Subject: cause you don't depend upon all the shit that I use to make my moods improve Security: Public Listening to: bright eyes- a spindle, a darkness, a fever, and a necklace

I walked past one of the tables that had been set up for NEDAW this week (complete with triggering pictures, health warnings, and ambitious "There is Hope" pamphlets) to see three overweight women looking at the display. Okay, nothing wrong with that. I'm all for education. And you never know, disorders come in all sizes. Then one of the women points a picture of an emaciated girl, naked, bent over and hugging her knees. You know, that picture.

"That's disgusting!" (shocked oohs from other girls and murmurs of agreement) "I don't know why people would do that, it doesn't look good."

Considering I was already verging on a mental breakdown this morning, I wanted to punch her. I felt distinctly disgusting, even though I'm physically much healthier. I wanted to punch all of them, then jump off a building. Things are so bad right now and I can't do anything other than sleep and hate everything (including myself, bien sur!)

4 Musings | Thoughts | + Memories | Tell a Friend | Link

Date: 2007-03-01 19:17 Subject: But if you take that train under water then we could talk it through Security: Public Listening to: bright eyes and some british guy next to me

Therapy was so pointless yesterday.

"So why do you call yourself crazy?"
"Because I hate myself"
"And why do you hate yourself?"
"I don't know. Because I'm crazy."
"Hmmm. Does your father hate himself?"

No, this is my disorder- not my upbringings or my parents. Don't blame them for this.

In other news, I'm dead. For all intensive purposes at least. I have been so incredibly tired, despite 9 hours of sleep a night and multiple cups of coffee during the day. My eyes are red and I'm having a hard time forming some semblance of personality, I fell asleep in my 8am and on a bench at work. I'm dragging myself through the days and tests like some useless zombie and more than anything I would like to sleep for three days straight.

I don't even want to think about whether or not my eating is "good" or "bad" and I'm tired of the word "triggering." I hate all of these recovery-oriented safe places and I hate the stupid aNa girls and I would really more than anything just like someone tangible that understands.

12 Musings | Thoughts | + Memories | Tell a Friend | Link

Date: 2007-02-26 09:18 Subject: depression is not conducive to the life of a student Security: Public Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie- Marching Bands of Manhattan

At the first few notes of the old familiar melody chills run up my body and my eyes close to savor the moment, the memories that come rushing back of the last time I heard this song. Flashbacks of driving in the rain and smoking on the roof of parking garages, green tea under a blanket, laying on my bed in the dark staring at the ceiling. Always alone, except for the tune. Someone I used to know, nostalgia comforts like a lover in my veins. I've given up focusing on schoolwork even though I skipped class to do so and in this moment I'd like nothing more than to be a decibel, pure energy of the moment and nothing more.

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Date: 2007-02-23 17:41 Subject: I'm scared that I actually care about someone Security: Public

I'm home this weekend to rest my bandaged hands and sore muscles. Work has taken it's toll this week but I feel accomplished and if nothing else keeping busy keeps depression at bay. For the most part. My roommate has plans to get completely drunk this weekend and I'm a little worried for her and although I know I am not her mother, I did remind her that she only weighs 100 lbs. I think I care for this little Vietnamese girl more than I've ever cared for another of my same sex, usually I get along with guys much easier. And then it's only a superficial level. But she finishes my sentences, and I turn the lights off when she passes out on her bed.

I don't drink either so maybe that's why I'm worried. I've got too many secrets to risk letting my guard down.

8 Musings | Thoughts | + Memories | Tell a Friend | Link